I don’t want to be happy. This could be read as a cry for help, so hear me out before I get numbers for soft spoken men with advanced degrees that you think might help.
Being happy is a market. It’s something to sell. The self help sections of book stores groan under the happy, empty weight of a hundred thousand pounds of advice. The half of twitter that isn’t jokes about celebrities is inspirational quotes about how to get happy. But nobody seems to talk about what trying to be happy means.
Do you want to feel good all the time? That’s addict logic. That’s the speed freak part of your brain screaming for sweet, sweet dopamine. Is it maintaining a positive attitude at all times? Do you want to be a monster, smiling at funerals and convinced your terminal brain cancer diagnosis is just an opportunity in disguise?
Be sad. Be unhappy. Not always, but enough. Don’t try to be happy, because there’s no reason to want to only feel one thing all the time. Trying, obsessively, to be happy is just another way to stay the same and never learn anything. It’s as dumb as saying your life goal is to spend a year on your couch.
The bonus is that there aren’t any expensive seminars about how to be sad and cynical for fun and profit, so you’re probably going to save a lot of money on this plan. Wire me a hundred dollars to tell you exactly how.
(Hey if you feel like you need help get it. Also, don’t listen to people on tumblr about how to feel.)