life hack: get a tattoo. if the people at the job interview notice it and look concerned, laugh a little and explain “it’s just temporary.”  months later if your boss asks why you lied and said it was a temporary tattoo, stare off into the distance and whisper with a tremulous voice the poor excuse for truth your subconscious has been fighting for its entire insignificant existence: “everything is temporary.”

Reblogged from Ka-Pow!


I have a new favorite bumper sticker.

Reblogged from Untitled
Reblogged from BRYARLY

Job Applications Are The Only People Who Understand You

There’s something people figured out a while ago about other people. They aren’t that good at imagining what it’s like to be another person very accurately. They’ve only ever been themselves, so a lot of what they tell you about other people is just a description of themselves. That’s why job applications ask if you think other people are honest. If you don’t, you’re taking all the pens and we all know SHARON.

It makes reality television make a lot more sense. That lady with the crying child in the tiara says that everybody wants to be famous and successful because it’s what she wants. She doesn’t know why her kids a lazy piece of crap BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WANT THIS TOO GEORGIA MIST BABY WE’RE GONNA WIN. That dude with the spikey hair says no one’s there to make friends because he isn’t, and because he’s in a self selected group of psychopaths.

It also makes bar chat a lot more fun. 

"Everybody lies."  

You’re talking to a liar.

"People just want to help people."

You’re really nice until it’s smothering and weirdly self hating.

"I mean everyone’s just out for themselves. It’s about self interest."

Randian Evangelist Manifesting An Empathy Deficiency. They are armed and very invested in gold. Find multiple exits and pursue a zig zag path toward the closest one. Crouch to present a smaller target.

I think everyone’s kind of good and kind of a vapid asshole. And needs a lot of approval and attention. So there we go.


I don’t know what I just saw on facebook, but it might have been somebody battlerapping a girl that slept with her boyfriend.



"You may have this fancy office with a bay view now, but I’ll always have the ability to suck my own dick."


Shut Up You Happy Fucks

I don’t want to be happy. This could be read as a cry for help, so hear me out before I get numbers for soft spoken men with advanced degrees that you think might help.

Being happy is a market. It’s something to sell. The self help sections of book stores groan under the happy, empty weight of a hundred thousand pounds of advice. The half of twitter that isn’t jokes about celebrities is inspirational quotes about how to get happy. But nobody seems to talk about what trying to be happy means.

Do you want to feel good all the time? That’s addict logic. That’s the speed freak part of your brain screaming for sweet, sweet dopamine. Is it maintaining a positive attitude at all times? Do you want to be a monster, smiling at funerals and convinced your terminal brain cancer diagnosis is just an opportunity in disguise?

Be sad. Be unhappy. Not always, but enough. Don’t try to be happy, because there’s no reason to want to only feel one thing all the time. Trying, obsessively, to be happy is just another way to stay the same and never learn anything. It’s as dumb as saying your life goal is to spend a year on your couch. 

The bonus is that there aren’t any expensive seminars about how to be sad and cynical for fun and profit, so you’re probably going to save a lot of money on this plan. Wire me a hundred dollars to tell you exactly how.

(Hey if you feel like you need help get it. Also, don’t listen to people on tumblr about how to feel.)



"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time." -Steven Wright

Reblogged from Quote of My Life -X